In the previous post, I compared the ego to a puppy. When we take the ego along on a supportive visit, we run the risk of the ego eclipsing the reason we’re there.
An agenda makes your activities about you.
When attending a death, you want to go in with neither an outline of things to do or an underlying plan. Instead, you want to go in with an especially open and receptive state of mind, which an agenda would distract you from. You want your mind to be relaxed and unoccupied enough to receive any signals from family members that might help you understand their unique needs.
A plan, on the other hand, can be very comforting, and a grief is a situation in which every human being present needs and deserves care. And because you are going in as a professional that hurting people will be relying on, you are responsible to have a plan.
To recap: you need a plan, but not an agenda.
You want half a plan
And it can be a flexible plan. A venerable martial arts instructor I trained with in Japan once explained the importance of having half a plan. A fully envisioned plan is like having no plan because circumstances are unpredictable. We don’t want an outline of what we’ll do. We want but a small number of thoughts about what we might do if we don’t end up busy helping in some other way.
Here are some ideas for how to help, while allowing the flexibility to engage as a human responding to the needs of other humans.
*Greet family, with hugs if it seems appropriate at the time
*Hold space and listen
*Pause and check in with yourself and return your attention to the family
*Ask if they are ready for you to call the funeral home
*Facilitate funeral home pick up in accordance with the family’s wishes
*Hold space, listen for needs
*Look for opportunities to be of service. If a family member starts cleaning the space, ask if you can help. If a family member expresses worry about how to discuss the death with their children, listen, and provide some ideas or resources.
*Hold space and listen for needs
*After the funeral home picks up the patient, continue to hold space. Listen for needs, pledge ongoing support and leave when your intuition tells you it is time.”
Such a flexible vision reduces awkward “I don’t know what to do now” moments while promoting confidence during the “let’s see what people need now” moments.
Next week, we will continue to share ideas about being the most helpful social worker you can be for those who have just lost someone.
This just in… Saying no to workplace abuse in hospice
In the meantime, click here to see some new statistics on the mistreatment many hospice social workers face from supervisors.